I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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