He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
