Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
