Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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