if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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