Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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