I'm so fucking centered right now
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
