I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
