hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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