Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
