Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
