i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
