i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I fill condoms, not promises.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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