All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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