I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
