respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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