i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
