I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
