Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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