Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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