fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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