You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Randomize
