He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
