Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
