If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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