I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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