if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
