i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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