You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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