She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Randomize