I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
