she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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