Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
