he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
