when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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