My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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