The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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