Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
