the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
