I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
