You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Randomize
