I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
