So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
