New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize