life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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