hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
