I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
