he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
