Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I stole a fireplace last night.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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