Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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