Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
