Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
