I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
third nipple confirmed
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
