I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize