Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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