My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
