We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
