I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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