I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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