8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
