OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
