There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
